Relationship Problems? Maybe It’s You…

In most cases, when it comes to our relationships, we get what we give. But often, we are focused on what we wish our partner would give us or do for us and less on what we can provide more of in the relationship. Of course, this makes sense! We want to hurt less, to be more comfortable, to have the relationship of our dreams, and we are directly aware of our own pain and longing most of the time.

When our pain and longing are activated by our interactions with our partners, spouses, or lovers, then it really truly seems as though the issue stems from them. However, my years of experience working with couples and being in relationships myself have taught me that the answer to our relationship woes lies, more often than not, within us. If you want a loving relationship, then try to be more loving. If you want open and honest communication, be more open and transparent. It’s not easy, and maybe even harder, to look at ourselves as a root cause of our relationship issues. But in my line of work, if something is harder and more challenging, it probably means we are on to something valuable…

It’s a common scenario in my practice: a couple comes to see me, and one partner makes it pretty clear that they are hoping I’ll “fix” their partner. If it were only so simple- if the relationship would magically mend if only their partner would change! Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Relationships are complex ecosystems, not easily repaired by addressing one person’s flaws. We can rarely pinpoint a singular causation for any systemic issue, let alone solve it by focusing on one effect. And, all too often, we may be incorrect in our assumption that we are the more relationally skilled partner (I have been guilty of this one myself!).

So, where do we begin? How do we mend things and stop arguing? What if it really is my partner’s issue that is ruining the relationship? Contrary to popular advice circulating social media these days telling us to cut all toxicity from our lives (and seeming everything now points to ‘toxicity’) or to read all the green, red, and yellow flags and discuss them with everyone but whom you’re with; the starting point is to look at yourself. Though not always comfortable, the answer to solving most of our relational issues lies in introspection and self-examination. If the current state of your relationship is falling short of your aspirations, it’s time to get clear on your role within the relational ecosystem. What do you need to do to influence your relationship toward health? What are you currently doing or not doing that is hindering your growth?

Often, my clients arrive at therapy hurt and resentful, waiting for their partner to initiate change. This is the “if only they would…” mindset: if only they spoke more kindly; if only they acknowledged my efforts more; if only they showed me more affection, then I could have the relationship I want! But it’s this very mindset that is keeping them stuck. Focusing on our partner’s flaws or perceived inadequacies keeps us from developing the self-awareness, personal power, and self-regulation necessary to create the change we really want.

The path to relational harmony demands a departure from blame and resentment and a willingness to engage with our partners with openness, curiosity, and collaboration (to name a few of the effective relationship skills we will get into later). And sure, it would be wonderful if our partners could become enlightened and pull us both out of our misery with a new course of action amid the hundredth round of the same old fight, but expecting our partner to lead us to peace while we remain entrenched in our defenses is not only unfair, but it won’t get us there any faster. We must be willing to lead and initiate change even when it’s uncomfortable.

Much to my client’s surprise and potential irritation, when I see couples in these familiar stand-offs- each demanding that the other partner fix it- instead of zeroing in on the partner they complain about, I might look right to them and ask questions like:

“What are you doing to help your partner respond to you the way you want?”

“What is keeping you from being a leader in this relationship and getting curious about your partner’s feelings here?”

“What is keeping you from stepping outside of this stalemate and being the change you want in this relationship?”

I often get scoffs and answers like, “Well, that is not so easy! Why don’t you do that for me?!” Can you relate? I certainly can. I have personally waited in resentment for my partner to read my mind and fix an issue that I was actively running defense on for longer than I’d like to admit. I have also ridden the high horse more often than I would like to admit, assuming that my relationship issue was my partner’s conflict avoidance rather than my lack of skills in communicating my vulnerabilities effectively (instead of letting it erupt at him all at once). But, when we ask our partner to do what we are not willing to do- like take a breath and calm the nervous system down, admit fault, be empathetic even when it’s hard, to see beneath the defenses to the kind and hurt soul they love underneath- problems will persist in the relationship because of the very stance we are coming from is defensive, disempowered, and not at all collaborative. When we determine our partner is the one who needs to change, we are asking our partner to save us while we are both drowning- even though we can swim! To put it simply, we remain helpless and uncooperative.

It is such a beautiful thing to see my clients shake off the fog of helplessness in their relationships and begin, in front of my eyes, to engage with more compassion, respect, and vulnerability. When we believe that we can influence our relationship in a positive direction and feel our own agency in our relationships, we have everything to gain. And what is even more magic is that when one partner shakes off the stupor of helplessness, the other partner begins to wake up, too. When we engage with our partner with the core capacities and abilities that research shows, just plain work, it, well, works. And it works quickly.

What are these core capacities and effective skills that my clinical experience and research show work to get couples out of conflict cycles? The ones that just plain work and work quickly? Before I divulge, let me remind you of another fact that I have hopefully conveyed: these are individual capacities that live within us and are not dependent on anyone else’s actions. We have them at all times and can choose to use them or not. They may seem obvious as you read them, but it is also their obviousness that makes many people think they would be “too simple” to be effective…but that is far from true.

The individual capacities, or skills, that when developed and used with our partner, will lead us toward the relationship we really want are:

• Curiosity: engaging with the attitude of curiosity about your own and your partner’s behavior, feelings, and actions rather than assuming we know.
• Openness to influence: the openness and willingness to explore viewpoints and perspectives different from our own and change our minds when it makes sense.
• Self-regulation: Ability to notice and self-regulate the body (the nervous system responses) when activated in fight/flight/freeze responses.
• Effective communication skills: The ability to effectively communicate our expectations, motivations, and needs in a way that is 1) not shaming or blaming, 2) curious and open, and 3) validating and empathic.
• Self-efficacy: All of the above requires us to have self-efficacy or the belief that we can develop and utilize these capacities and skills and that they would make a difference. Self-efficacy is like a sense of confidence, or the opposite of helplessness, where we believe that we can learn, grow, and carry out new and more effective behaviors. So often, a lack of belief in our own ability to engage in relationships in a more effective way hinders our willingness to even learn and implement new skills!

There is a quote attributed to Matthew Prior (but who really can say who said what at this point in the internet) that goes something like: “It takes two to quarrel, but only one to end it.” I choose to read that as fitting with the above arguments I have made…that we can remain in the comfort of helplessness in the conflictual cycles of our relationships, or we can choose to step aside from the quarrel, do the hard thing, and initiate repair by embodying the above capacities. We can assist our partners out of their defensiveness by dropping our own so that we can begin to actually communicate about the deeper issues at hand. We can become self-efficacious, empowered leaders and have a chance to collaborate in building the relationship we want.

So, I invite you to consider: what is stopping you from leading you and your partner out of contentious conflict cycles? Which of the above effective capacities can you work on? What is in the way of you beginning to engage differently in your relationships? Exploring our own behavior isn’t easy, but worthwhile endeavors rarely are. If we desire a partner who embodies certain qualities, we must embody them ourselves. It’s a journey of self-reflection and healing, but the rewards are immeasurable.