Crucial Mindsets that will Help you Get the Most Out of Couples & Relationship Therapy

I have committed a decade of my life to understanding relational dynamics, attachment science, and what makes relationships thrive and fail. I have worked with hundreds of couples and individuals and have identified some key attitudes and orientations that promote the efficacy of therapy. Below is a brief and distilled list of factors that, when considered and adhered to, will help you get the absolute most for yourself and your relationship out of couples’ therapy.

First, it is essential to set your expectations. Let’s look first at What Couples therapy can and cannot do.

What Couples’ Therapy Can Do

Starting couples therapy will not fix your relationship. You fix your relationship through sustained effort and changes. Couples therapy is like the laboratory for that change. In couples therapy, we work together to:

• Identify what kind of relationship you want
• What kind of changes do you each need to make to make that vision a reality
• What is in the way of making the changes necessary to achieve that together
• Assess what education, exposure, and skills are necessary to learn to assist you in overcoming the challenge of this growth together
• Learn and practice interpersonal, communication, and self-regulation skills that will promote your relationship security and growth.

You will notice nowhere in that example is anything about “making your partner better at being in this relationship,” which brings me to what couples therapy cannot do.

What Couples’ Therapy Cannot Do

• Fix your relationship for you.
• Fix your relationship after 1-3 sessions.
• Teach your partner why they are wrong, and you are right.
• Make someone love or commit to you if they are already two feet out of the relationship.
• Help you garner the approval of an abusive partner.

Okay, now that we have some preliminary expectations set, there are a few mindsets and attitudes that, if adhered to, will help you get the most out of couples’ therapy:

Be Willing to Look at Yourself.

Couples therapy is highly effective when couples are motivated to look at themselves. The degree of work we can get done is either limited or accelerated, depending on your willingness to change. I call willingness the secret sauce of couples’ therapy. Willingness is the factor that sets that change in motion and makes it possible, and only you can bring that. If you come into therapy passively, without the willingness to apply your insights and skills in your day-to-day relating with one another, you will not get the relationship you envision. It takes work. The work can be challenging, but it can also be fun, sexy, and enlightening- but it all starts with willingness.

Have the attitude of Gratitude.

Learn to shift your focus to what you love and appreciate about your partner. Be willing to spot the little things, your partner’s advances, and the bids they make for your connection along the way. Many couples I work with come in desperate for a change in their relationship, and when I ask them Why? Why fix it? What is going well? I ask this because, for you to seek couples therapy in the first place, it means this is worth saving. It is worth saving because you have love, respect, admiration, or even a shared history that you have gratitude for. If it is hard to come up with anything, you can at least remember and be grateful that you are both willing to engage in couples therapy together- that says a lot! If you can keep this perspective throughout our work, that there is something or many things you are grateful for in this relationship, it will promote motivation, success, and traction in our work.

Be Curious About the Deeper Meaning.

During our work, I will ask you to think about each other and your conflicts differently. I will not get mired in the details of your fight of the week but rather explore common themes and vulnerabilities yet to be expressed with you both. There are several different types of fights that couples get into with hundreds of different expressions. I ask that you engage in couples therapy with a curiosity about the deeper meaning of your interactions. Instead of assuming we know why the other person is behaving in a way that drives you crazy, we will slow down and bring curiosity to the problem: 1) what are they unable to tell me in an effective way here? 2) why am I so triggered and defensive by this? 3) is there another way we can communicate and respond around this so that we both feel heard and understood?

Bring Your Whole Self to Therapy.

Coming to couples therapy can be scary for some because it’s revealing. We might see ourselves in ways that might be uncomfortable to us, and we fear it might be uncomfortable or intolerable to others. Because of this, some people might not be forthcoming or fully transparent in couples therapy until much later in the process. If this is you, please lay it on the table from the beginning. If a bomb is left unspoken, I cannot help you with it. And I promise you, being revealing is only ever a ‘win-win’: no matter the outcome, you win if you are being honest and genuine. A relationship built on falsehoods is not a healthy relationship for anyone.

Be humble and willing to learn, relearn, practice, and repeat.

You may have experience in therapy or self-growth. You may even think that you already know how to communicate well. I frequently hear, “I don’t have any communication issues with anyone else!” It might be true that in other relationships, you are an excellent communicator, or it might be true that you have never given the concept of communication a thought – talking is communication, right? 🙂 Wherever you are on the spectrum of self-awareness, skills, etc., there is something to learn when there is dysfunction in your relationship. Good communication is not easy and requires constant practice. I will ask you to think deeply about and practice skills that may seem basic, and if you bring humility to our sessions, you will find just how much more growth is possible.

Be Committed to the Process.

Research suggests that couples take an average of six years to reach out to a couples’ therapist for help. Whether you are close to that figure or not, some time has likely lapsed between the check engine light going on and you reaching out to a professional. It took you time to get into this tangle, and it will take time to get you out. We learn experientially, meaning that only through having new experiences do we comprehend change. Couples therapy is a space to experience change, understand what is possible, and learn how to carry that change into your daily life. That is not something that happens in one hour, so to get the most out of couples therapy, be committed to the process taking several months, up to half a year or more, or a weekend of intensive work plus follow-ups (if you choose to undergo a weekend couples’ intensive). You get out of couples therapy what you put in, and the more committed you are to prioritizing our meetings, the better.

And, finally, I ask one more crucial thing from you. This one is critical and will position you to get the most out of couples therapy, especially with me as your therapist…

Speak up if your therapist steps in it, gets it wrong, or triggers you!

I do my absolute best to maintain curiosity and always notice my clients, but I am also human and miss things. I might misinterpret or miss something or even, albeit rarely, say something unknowingly offensive or hurtful. If your couples therapist steps in it, offends you, or if you simply dont feel like you are making the progress you want to be making- practice speaking up with them. Any therapist worth their salt, can handle it. If they cannot handle your feedback, this would be a good indicator that your therapeutic fit is off and you would benefit from finding a new therapist. So, utilize the ‘laboratory’ of couples therapy fully and know that you have permission to directly challenge or question your therapist at any time, respectfully of course, so that you can feel confident in your growth process.

Considering beginning couples therapy can be scary, daunting, or even exciting. Couples therapy is a significant (and vital!) investment, and before considering any investment of time and money, its important to understand what is possible and what is expected from us in order to get a good return. The above list will serve as a great starting point on expectations, attitudes, and mindsets that will positively position you to get the most out of couples therapy.