The Deeper Opportunity in Conflict

I was recently contacted by someone looking for couples therapy, saying that they felt like their relationship check engine light was on. I’m going to borrow that analogy. It’s perfect because don’t we often feel like something’s off or concerning before we’ve even taken it as far as naming it or figuring out what it is? And each of us reacts differently to seeing a check engine light on in our car, for instance. Some of us may immediately take it to the shop, some may call a friend or confidant to talk it through, and some may ignore it. I remember that when I was in my teen years, in my first car, I put a sticker over the check engine light so that I wouldn’t see it anymore: out of sight, out of mind. I have seen all approaches in my couples therapy practice as well.

For most couples, conflict is their relationship check engine light. Conflict is by far the most common reason couples reach out to me. People reach out because they keep fighting about the same things and can’t seem to get anywhere new. Or they can’t find a middle ground on an issue due to defensiveness and stubbornness in both parties.

Now, if you’re reading this, I assume you’re one of those, like so many of us, who take to the internet when we see the check engine light in our relationship. I hope that by reading this, you will get a sense of the nature and depth of conflict, how it’s so often not what it seems, and some ways to engage in conflict that will get you some traction. And I want to give you hope that conflict is healthy and can be an opportunity to deepen your intimacy with one another. Our fights are not what they seem, and they are often pointing us to a deeper truth about our relationship.

Find the Theme in Your Conflicts

In order to get curious about the deeper meaning of your conflicts with one another, see if you notice any themes. Themes can be pulled from the content or even the timing of your fights. For example, do you always fight when your partner comes home late? For example, Nathan’s partner Todd comes in the door late for dinner again. Nathan feels irate, and after waiting for Todd with dinner getting cold on the table, as soon as he sees Todd, he bursts out, “I have told you so many times how much I hate you being late, but you don’t care that I work so hard to have dinner ready for you and the family!” Sound familiar at all? Can you read between the lines for the theme in this conflict?

If we listen closely, we can hear that this conflict isn’t as much about lateness as it is about feeling seen, respected, and prioritized. Perhaps through this lens, you might also notice that your fights about dishes, muddy boots on the rug, or wet towels on the floor also fit this theme.

When we know the theme, we can see that the actions (lateness, messiness, inattention) trigger the deeper feelings and needs within us, and the conflict is the moment that those are being expressed.

Express the issue without assuming intent.

We can all relate to Nathan. His story seems ironclad, especially when we haven’t had the chance to hear from Todd. Even more so, if this fight is reoccurring, it can feel to the Nathans out there that they already told Todd how they feel, and Todd repeatedly disregards them. But, to all the Nathans out there, I want to be clear: you are not as straightforward and easy to hear as you think. When you get curious about your experience and what is really bothering you, practice expressing that instead of letting it all out.

Remember, this is your issue with the action or behavior of your partner, not theirs. So, explain it to them from your perspective, how it makes you feel, what it makes you think. With this in mind, Nathan might say something like this instead (after Todd comes in or at least takes off their shoes!), “Todd, you’re late to dinner again. It hurts my feelings and makes me think you don’t care about my labor or time. It makes me think sometimes that you find work more important than me.” If you do this and in a calmer delivery, your partner will be able to hear you more easily. And, if you both continue working on the points described below, you will be well on your way to a deeper connection through conflict.

Practice empathizing with the deeper issues.

Recognizing and orienting ourselves to the deeper issues in our conflict is the first step in their resolution and the doorway to intimacy in a conflict. In the previous example, you can see that Todd was late, triggering Nathan’s feelings of disrespect. He thought, “Todd doesn’t think about me or prioritize me.” In this scenario, Todd would be well-served to listen between the lines and respond to the deeper experience. But, as it plays out often for couples, Todd walks in the door after racing home and getting stuck in traffic, feeling anxious about letting Nathan down once again, only to get yelled at…so he gets predictably defensive. Todd responds with something like, “It’s not my fault! My boss had me stay late again! What do you expect me to do, tell him no, and get fired?”

Todd’s defensive response is understandable, and Nathan’s anger and hurt are, too. If we try to prove to one another why our stance is correct, we will spin our wheels in the mud. None of us want to hear from our partner why they think it was okay that they hurt us, as that is precisely what defensive remarks sound like to us when we are hurting.

We need to get good at empathizing with the deeper experience right away, even if our partner could be better at delivering a clear and non-blaming statement about the issue, as was described above. For the Todds out there, you cannot feign ignorance on a repeated fight. You might feel attacked, but you know that there is something that you are doing that will impact Nathan and cause an unfavorable yet reliable reaction. Own this. State that you know it hurts them, makes them feel deprioritized, and that you are sorry that your actions elicited that feeling in them.

Instead of trying to fix it, try to understand it.

Here is where many of my clients start to calm down. Then, they often look at me and ask, “ok, that was better, but when do we have the conversation about solutions?” I get this. In our culture, we are action and solution-oriented. We tend to think if we don’t have a plan to fix this, then that is why the conflict will repeat again and again. But this is not true.

The reason fights repeat is not because we haven’t manufactured the perfect solution. It’s because the more profound issue remains unaddressed. Often, orienting toward the deeper issue is all needed to end a repetitive conflict style. For example, imagine this scenario: Todd knows that Nathan is hurt by his lateness, not because of some “pet peeve” but because it makes him feel disrespected and unvalued. Todd might enter the house with an acknowledgment of this instead or even text or call on the way, expressing his understanding. The fight about the lateness cycle will have been broken since Nathan will have felt seen in his experience and valued by Todd.

This is not to say that there are no practical changes that might be helpful for Nathan and Todd around the timing of dinner, expectations of timeliness, or even boundaries with Todd’s boss. But suppose we go into solution focusing first. In that case, we miss the opportunity to build intimacy and undo the aloneness in our hurt that is beginning to be noticed, seen, and understood.

There is also an action-oriented way in which empathizing with the deeper experience of conflict leads to a shift in relationship patterns. As you can see above, Todd’s understanding of Nathan’s experience of his lateness led to different behaviors. Because Nathan expressed his more profound experience and Todd heard it, Todd’s consideration of Nathan was apparent through altered actions. He addressed it sooner and let Nathan know he is prioritized, even if he can’t be home on time due to a demanding job.

Next time you recognize yourself falling into a common reaction or a predictable fight with your partner, stop and think: what is my deeper experience? Express yourself clearly. And learn how to empathize with each other’s perspective in your relationship. Doing this will shift you both out of ineffective patterns and create a more productive way to engage in conflict.